Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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