just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
