Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
