when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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