I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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