The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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