I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
