last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
