Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
