Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
