dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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