I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
