Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
