I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
