Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
