Who wears a wallet chain?!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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