Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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