yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
