non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
