my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
