Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
