Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
