If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
