My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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