dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
