just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
