atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
