Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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