I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
