Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
