Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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