Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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