I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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