this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
