the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
