I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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