um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am spending my child support on dildos
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
