You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
