At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
