I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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