checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
