I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
