A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
