I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
