I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
