My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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