And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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