just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
