i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
