In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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