Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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