I think I died a long time ago.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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