I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
