I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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