Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
