I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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