The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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