Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
