totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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