Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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