Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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