Someone shit on the floor
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
