I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize